Tuesday, October 8, 2013

the last time

I cant believe its coming up to a year that my world changed once again but in more ways then expected. This coming weekend  it will be a year since my papa fell off his ladder and got flown down to St Cloud ICU. Watching him live off of life support was the worst moments of my life next to losing my mother. Then hearing there was nothing more they could do we had to take him off... Nightmare. The fallowing week was the funeral as well as the transfer. There was no turning back. We had to do it regardless of the funeral. The transfer landed on the day of the wake and the funeral the next day while I was on bed rest. I didn't know I only hoped one of the little ones would stick. I truly believe papa had his hand in them growing in my belly. He was one of the few people that fully supported me in being a surrogate. Others where positive and happy I was doing such a thing but wasn't there after the first loss or the heart break like he was. He was my rock. He was the one who loved me when I was hard to love. When I lost my own baby and lost Sam's he was the one who called every day. Who invited me over for dinner and cared if my heart broke. God I miss him so much. It feels as if the last year hasn't moved at all in a times sense. Some things that needed to be done arnt. Ive seen a darkness in people that's done nothing but sicken me to the core. I need peace and I need to try and move my life in the direction he would want me to go in. Finnegan Saved me when I could of easily fallen apart. I was strong when I had my children but when I left for my appointments or anything away from them Finnegan was the one who needed me. He reminded me of the beginning of life and papa was the end. Life was short and I needed to live it to the best that I could. I made mistakes that where mine alone. I had dreams that I needed to fallow and I am now in the process of fallowing one and that's going back to school for nursing. 

I'm Heading To Fargo On Thursday For Sam To Take Pictures Of Us. And Of course See Finnegan. This Is A Very Much Needed Trip. Trying To Stay Positive This Next Week....

papa and i

My Girl Friends Wedding This Last Weekend