Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Its the little things..

love getting updates from mommy and daddy.. and I have to share

Finny is 12.6 lbs now (little chubbers) and is now babbling and "talking"

6 Weeks

things here have been going... Im working out more and tryed out kick boxing for the first time with my girl friend. I have used my moms boxing bag at home and i hope to go to the gym more.
We went to the fair and before school starts we are heading to the Zoo and Mall of American to see.  TMNT. (teenage mutant ninja turtles)

Went to the shooting range.. Super pumped

Bad Boy
went on my first air plane ride with my father in law and kiddos
in the air...over lake Carlos
Nick his dad Brad and the kids.

loving the fair

School starts next week and I have to say Im a bit uneasy on how busy we are going to be.Thomas is getting another assessment done to see where he is on the Autism  Spectrum.We where told of SPD anxiety and adhd but we where unsure of anything else until recently.  This is a whole new world for us and finding support is becoming time consuming and stressful. I honestly had some ideas with my work back ground working with the disabled and kids but never did I think this would touch my. family. SPD is on the spectrum but only the sensory aspect of it. We have known of this for the last 2 years. Regardless we will do this head on whatever comes out of his assessment just staying positive and keeping an open mind. IT WONT CHANGE HOW WE LOVE OUR SON!!

Cant believe its almost fall... in 4 it will be Christmas *ooofta*

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Delivery and more

I'm going to do my best to remember everything and when it happened exactly.

Please dont mind the double pictures, Blogger page is messed up and wont let me edit pictures or change the order of a few things. Thanks

The last week in June we met with our OBGYN and discussed induction. I was really against it from the beginning since  Thomas was induced and I bled after he was born. Afraid it would happen again I didn't want it. Erica stressed how big he was getting and that I should seriously think about it. With Sam living 2 hours away it being my 3rd baby and the constant contractions I was having with no change from 2cm induction would be best she thought. I felt kinda pushed I'm not going to lie. It was stressful and I felt overwhelmed like I really didn't have a choice in the matter since all of the information was coming at me all at once. I needed time to process...

I left the clinic and I knew Sam was upset. I didn't know what to do but to wait it out some more. Little man was not wanting to vacate anytime soon. We waited until Monday and was going to set up an induction date but the hospital was too full and we couldn't get in.
That was stressful since my Mother in Law came down expecting me to go in since they said we would and Sam was here with everyone else. After finding out we would be waiting some more Sam decided she was staying down here and to just get a hotel room with Jack her mom uncle and the girls. The week drug out and I was still having extremely painful contractions with no change. We decided to go ahead with the induction on July 5th.   

July 4th was my birthday so I was able to spend it with my family. I also got to see Jack Sam and the girls that day too for a little bit. We went to see the fire works and go on boat rides with my auntie Karen and uncle Brad and have some amazing food. My cousin and his kids and wife where also at the cabin. The kids got to play with their cousins for the day as well as some friends.

The next morning I called the hospital to see if we where able to go in and get induced. They said yes they where ready for us. I called my Mother in Law and told her it was time, she could come down. Packed all my bags and the nerves began to start up again.

What was this going to be like??
Was I going to freak out with so many people in the room??
Photographer... ??
How was Nick going to handle it???
Thought about how much I wanted my mom and papa there...
Praying he would stay safe and there wouldn't be any complications..

So many thoughts and feelings where running through my head I didn't know what to expect other then what happened with Thomas. Fear...

Nick and I said good bye to the kids and explained what was going to happen and where mommy and daddy where going. And baby Finnegan would soon be here. I'm not sure if they really understood but we explained it the best we could.

We got to the hospital and got settled in. I was brought up stairs and was given a fabulous hospital gown to sport and monitors strapped to my belly. Sam came up shortly before and they started my IV. I was given fluids and what not before they started the Pit. ( if I remember right). Then we waited... and waited. walked and waited some more. my bag was gone and I could now start the Pit and other meds. Nick took a nice nap waiting as well. *lucky guy* He knew what was in store once labor picked up and what his job was from there on out so I'm glad he took a rest.

Contractions started picking up after a few hours and I slowly started changing from a 2 to a 3. I cant remember what time it was when I got tub but it was a good few hours from when we started. I wasn't changing and I didn't want any meds. The tub was AMAZING! I definitely recommend going into the tub in labor. I kept thinking about delivering in the tub... Oh how I wish I could but Erica didn't do water births.

The Nurse and I.. Shes checking the babys heart beat
 Erica came in to check me around dinner time while the girls came in for a visit...

Nick patiently waiting

Erica was able to check me.. I was far along enough dilated to break my water. my options where I could either wait it out longer and let it progress on my own or move things along and go for it. I opted for her to break my water.

Fluid was clear. Heart rate was great.. time to get back into the tub. I was sure glad I did. Contractions picked up quickly and I was asking for something to take off the edge. They gave me something in my line and it relaxed me a little, just enough to keep pressing on. Rocking my hips back and fourth back to belly and over again rotating positions. Sam and Nick watched from by the bed and I could tell Sam was starting to feel more anxious. Waiting and not being able to do much of anything at all. Her and Nick where my Fan controllers.. I got really hot really fast. I couldn't handle it that it made me feel anxious and overwhelmed I couldn't concentrate. 

After sometime they wanted to check me again so I got out of the tub. This time I couldn't walk very well. The contractions where even closer together and I remembered even more how much I hated being induced. I had to wait until one passed and I quickly went to the bed and got checked. I made some progress so I figured I would get dressed and walk some more. At this point it starts to get jumbled. I know we walked some earlier when they up'd the pit and started the induction but I cant remember how long or how many rounds we went.

Jack and Sam Killing time walking. I cant remember if this was with me or not

All I remember was shortly after this the contractions got uncontrollable. I couldn't focus I was exhausted and the pain of back to back contractions was taking over my mind and body. I wanted an epidural. I was no hero I needed rest. I told the nurse to shut off the pit I was done my body needed to take it from there. She did and I bawled. Nick held me Sam did all she could. I remember her starting to cry which made me cry even more. I didn't want her to worry..

The guy came in to give me my epidural and I couldn't of been happier. Oh relief. He gave me this shot that lasted about 3 hours or so then the pump would of been turned on with the epidural medication. I slept..

I woke up to pressure.. contractions and everyone coming into the room. I was about there.. just a little left of my cervix and I was ready to push. Sam got Jack and we all got in our positions.

 Photographer came in using Sams camera this time. ( her camera made a shutter noise earlier and I couldn't handle it so they switched. She was awesome thank you)

Jack was behind me, Sam to my left, nick to my right and God above me I was ready to do this. Practice push.. We had progress. Baby was ready. I went for it. I remember talking to baby and telling him to come on out. Breathing grunting doing everything I could to get enough air to push as hard as I could. I was getting exhausted I just wanted sleep.. My pushes got weaker I was getting hotter and thirsty. Nick kept getting me my water glass but it didn't seem like I was getting enough but I couldn't stop now. Jack was behind me pushing on my pillow holding me up so I could push easier. They grabbed the clip board in the room and he began fanning me. Sam rubbed my head and kept my hair from getting on my face.. holding my hand like she was pushing right with me.

Then it got scary.. His heart rate started dropping with every push. He was stuck on my pelvis and Erica grabbed the vacuum. We had to get him out. I remember her saying they had to resuscitate him from inside me.. :Amanda now you need to focus, If you cant get him out in the next couple pushes we are going to have to do an emergency C-section now FOCUS". He was face up just like my other 2 but he was way bigger then they where. Can I do this? God I need to do this!

POP* His head went under my pelvis and he turned to face down position and with two more pushes he was out!!! The umbilical cord was wrapped around his foot. Erica held him up.. we couldn't hold him since he was in so much stress from the labor but we where able to touch him before Sam cut the cord and they took him away.

Sneaky Girls

Here comes Finnegan

July 5th at 1115pm 8lbs 3 oz 21 1/4 inches long baby Finnegan Hudson Kelly was born..

They set up a divider where Sam Jack and baby could have their privacy and I could have mine.

This time it was my turn .. I started bleeding like I did with Thomas. The last 2 hours of labor I had no pit and the pump to the epidural was off so I was all natural. I was bleeding ALOT. Oh God no. Please no.. "Amanda I need to give you a shot right now to stop the bleeding.. your bleeding alot!!"
" Yes yes do it" all the while I'm asking...
"HOW IS HE??!?! HOW BIG IS HE?!?!"

This picture is so powerful. Makes me cry every time I see it
I had to lay there for a while for them to try and stop the bleeding. Sam came over and held me. We cried together for what felt like hours. I told her "go see your baby boy" and she thanked me again.
They started the pit again and the bleeding started to slow down. I was able to get out of bed so they could change my sheets and I could change. I could hear him crying I couldn't wait to see him. I got back into bed and they took down the divider and that's when the magic happened. All the love unfolded before my eyes. His family all around him kissing him and loving every inch of him. Sam kissing his forehead and jack next to her. The girls came in and that's when I really had to had to work at holding myself together. They came over and gave me hugs. Sam's mom came over and hugged me and thanked me. It didn't feel real. Did this really just happen. The last year, this little boy is he really here?!?!

Hes so perfect

Erica hugging mommy and daddy

Here come my girls...

mommy daddy sisters and grandma

I was so excited
They brought him over. Oh Lord hes beautiful. Thank you God for this moment. I didn't know how to hold him I didn't know what to even say or do. He wasn't mine.. I felt a love Ive never felt before but it wasn't a mothers love. I felt honor and proud. accomplished and a sense of fulfilment of my life. This is what surrogacy was all about. Doing something bigger then myself. Sharing the gift of parenthood.. the gift God gave me being a mother.

We sat in the room for a while and talked admiring him. I was so exhausted I remember passing out off and on and waking up to them still around me. I fought it but I couldn't help it. It was sweeping my body and I knew I needed to pump before I slept at all. Sam left to their room and I got ready to go to mine.

I wanted to see him again so  Nick wheeled me over so I could hold him and watch his family love each other up. I don't remember much of going to their room other then the girls hugging me and holding Finn.

Once back in my room I tryed pumping and I got about an oz from both breasts. Im told this is ALOT for only hours after delivery. I was proud but still in denial worrying about my milk coming in since I wasn't breast feeding at all. The nurse came and took my milk and I got some sleep. Every hour I would wake up and think "did this just happen". At about 6am I woke up to pump again and this time I cryed. I really don't know why I was crying. It wasn't because I missed him or that I felt empty. All I could think about was it was over. My Love for him and his family was consuming me the protectiveness Ive had to have the last year poured out of me. Nick was at home with the kids and so it was just me and thoughts at this point. I ended up taking a bath and tryed to relax. Texting Sam a few times and she would text me the same. Sent me some pictures and I thought to myself .. Theres this beautiful woman across the hall way from me that only a few short hours ago was becoming a mother once again but this time being able to hold her baby. Remembering how perfect my life was when Thomas was born and now their life had that peace that was missing. It was beautiful...

I went over there throughout the day to bring over breast milk and visit with the family. I called Nick to have him bring the kids up to meet him. They didn't understand really. Wheres your baby? Sams baby? they held him and Thomas melted. He loves baby's and is so gentle with them. They both gave Finn kisses and wrapped what they could around there heads. This part I found to be a little harder. Olivia had more of a difficult time understanding it. She didn't understand why Finnegan wasn't our baby. They went home and I rested some more.

We decided that I would stay another night with them so I could pump on demand and get him breast milk. The second night was much better. I still got up every couple hours to pump and take a bath but I was much more relaxed the second night around. That next morning we got everything packed up and ready to go. I was able to get about 2oz of milk for them for the trip home and she supplemented until I got my supply up.

This time when we had the kids up I didn't hold Finnegan instead had him only taken care of my Sam. She had him packed up in his car seat and we had the kids come in and explain it all to them again. This time was much better and they understood it a bit better and was less confusing. The kids played while we all finalized everything and got our picture together. Our Surrogate Family Photo..

Going Home Outfit

We left the hospital together and loaded him into Jack and Sams car. It was important to have to kids see all of this and the transition from me to them. And them leaving with him. I snapped a picture quick gave our hugs squeezes and love and we where on our way.

Here we are 1 month 1 week and 2 days later and I must say Its been interesting. I started back at Knute and also got a second job at a restaurant/bar here in town. Im still pumping milk for him and meeting mommy and grandma to make the drop lol.
The kids went to summer school for 3 weeks and we are currently getting ready to start school in about 2 weeks.

Im feeling good. The little baby weight I gained is gone and a bunch more on top of that. Im still happy with the choice we made over a year ago to become a surrogate. The kids are doing alot better understanding what happened and where baby Finny went. Yes, they call him Finny. How cute is that huh hehe..

With pumping still they are able to understand it better I think. " Mommy, you pumping breast milk for baby Finny?". Yes I am ...

So hes still here in a sense with conversation so the transition has been smooth. Ive been asked if I will ever do this again and at first I wasn't sure. The complications the emotions everything I didn't know how I would feel. Im still on the fence with being 100% but I can say the idea of doing it again is there. But I would most likely just do it for Jack and Sam. Giving Finny a brother or sister would be amazing. Only time will tell really. For  now we are staying in contact with pictures emails and phone calls. Summers keeping us busy but as soon as things slow down I plan on having a weekend in Fargo with the family. This is only the beginning of another chapter in this book we called life. It will go on forever between us tied by the love we have for this little man and for each other.

Here are some extra pictures from our delivery and after...

Precious baby boy I love you