Tuesday, August 28, 2012

News paper

I met with a reporter from the ECHO press this afternoon. She wants to do a story on the Surrogacy Journey. She was so nice. Small world I graduated with her daughter.

I'm excited to see how it turns out. Shes going to be contacting Sam and getting an interview with her.

We are currently getting my body ready for the transfer in October. We are better prepared on whats needed and expected of us this time around. We will be using different medications with this cycle (shots). *ooofta*

Never Giving Up

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I don't think many people truly believe in hope.

Hope is what keeps us lifted.... to believe in fighing what is against us.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Over the weekend I struggled with peoples negative hurtful words. These people tryd breaking me down even further then I was already broken. I Believed they where right and I was so wrong. I let others step into my mind and take over when I knew wasn't true. That our Dr waiting to wait a few days to be sure the numbers went down was a waste of time money and energy and my fault. I was stupid and needed to rethink our second transfer.Saying they felt sorry for the IP.  There was others... not that any of it was even true. But it hurt just the same. I knew the numbers would go down. I wasn't blind to the facts. I was positive in my mind and heart that no matter what God would do his will and in the long run be right even if I didn't see it at first. I blocked those people from ever seeing anything I post or me seeing anything about their lives.

Tonight I started cramping and feeling some back pain. I feel nauseous but Im used to it now.

I was told the next week is going to be tough. I knew just as much...

Getting through this part is only one step ... but its one step closer to our second transfer.
Theres so much Sam and I have talked about and seeing what we have learned over the last 3 months we feel alot more confident. We know what to expect and we know what to ask. ( for the most part).

My heart aches tonight but not for myself .. but thinking of those out there with no hope. Those who hurt others without thought. And those who are being hurt. The women who long to be mothers... wondering what they did so wrong that they couldn't have a child. *you did nothing wrong*
The men who couldn't give their lover a child. Helplessness... lonely... Broken. <3

I want to pray for those tonight. To not lose hope because Gods plan for them is perfect and beautiful even if they don't see it yet. With him anything is possible. He might just do it a little different then what anyone expects it to be =D

Monday, August 13, 2012

Start a New

Tests are back. My BETA's a 2. I took off my patches and put away all my other medications. Now we wait for AF.

I had a talk with one of the nurses when she called to tell me the results. ( shes my favorite) and I just talked with her about some of the stuff that's been weighing me down so far. I'm not going to get into detailes but I feel alot better that I got it off my chest, how much Ive been hurting and I feel like this is going to be better this time around with EVERYTHING. With Sam by my side and I by hers, We are doing this together. We both have one thing on our minds and hearts... a little peanut (s)<3

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Roller Coaster Ride

So got the new BETA and Progesterone levels this morning from yesterday... Well my beta went down only 1.1 (14.4 to 13.3) and my Progesterone went UP from 4 to 9.8!!! They both should have dropped in 2 days... *sigh*
We arnt exactly sure what this means but we go back in Monday for more blood work. The Dr said they have seen freakier things that its not looking great but they want to give this every chance possible. That I got pregnant with twins one didn't make it and my levels are all over the place balancing out with one...

We are expecting for the worst since Wednesday but still hopeful. ♥

Thursday, August 9, 2012

What's next??

I haven't updated in a few days due to everything going on. I went back in Wednesday for my second beta and the numbers went down.. 14.2 and it was 25. Not a good sign. They thought it was a Lab error or the fact that I went to my local clinic for the blood draw instead of going to Fargo and because they use a different kind of beta test the numbers where just off. Well they checked the progesterone today of that blood draw and it went from 14.5 to 4.2 Indicating the babies didn't make it.

I am so confused because since Sunday  I still FEEL pregnant. When I had my chemical pregnancy last year I knew exactly when I wasn't pregnant anymore. And that's when the tests went negative. They are still Positive as of today but that's due to the medication still making my body feel pregnant and holding onto the HCG. There is a very very small chance that when I go in tomorrow for my 3rd blood draw it will go up but likely wont.

How I feel???

First I was sad. I felt guilty and that I did something wrong. Thought of EVERYTHING I did the last 2 weeks and the whole" Maybe if I didn't do this". I was angry at my body for making me feel pregnant and wondered if its me?? Hearing that it wasn't anything I did helped me alot. It could of been the type of meds we are using. Could of been bad timing... could of been the embys...

Talking with the nurse I feel more educated on how and why things happen. What to expect next =S and how I am going to handle work.

I had a great talk with Sam. We are both on the same page and even tho Im carrying her babies with no ganetic tie we both feel the same on this and  whats next. Understanding and accepting this for what it is.

God as a plan bigger then our own and this pregnancy wasnt in his plan. We will be trying again. After the blood draw tomorrow and results I will be stopping my medications and waiting for my period. Starting birth control and getting my body ready again for a transfer. We are hoping for October but it all depends on how everything looks. We are OKAY. Not saying this isn't hard or hurt but knowing now what we have been wondering and aching about it we can now get to a place of peace and acceptance.
This next time around we will know more. We know what to expect and what we will need to do. We feel we will be better prepared.

Ill post updates when they happen but that's whats happening now.

Thank you everyone who prayed for us and thought of us. The messages and calls and texts Thank you! <3

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Keeping Positive. . . .

I posted before that I had some cramping Sunday night and spotting Monday morning. Well It stopped all day Yesterday and this morning its started again. This time alot less and Im not really crampy. Im trying to stay positive with the Beta results and the spotting. They told me that the Embys could of attached late and not in the 48 hour period and that beta numbers cant be used in determining how many or quality other then pregnant or not until second beta test that's Wednesday. Obviously there are alot of factors in this. One its a 3 day transfer. Alot of information I have looked up range differently from a 3 to a 5 day transfers. Also the stages of the Embys. And like I said if they implanted within the 48 hours or later. AS well as all the medications Im on....

I didn't have spotting with my kids and obviously every pregnancy is different. Just positive thoughts from now until wed...(and after)

Lots of rest and water for this girl =)

Monday, August 6, 2012

Am I pregnant?!?!?!?!

After a Number of tests...

We are happy to announce we are PREGNANT!!!!

We have taken Many tests and they are getting darker and darker. Today we had our beta test and it was 25. I go back on Wednesday to see where the numbers are! We had a bit of a scare this morning when I started spotting after my shower. It has now stopped and I am feeling sicker then ever! Wonderful news!!
Sick me = Healthy baby (s)

As of now we know there is one little bun in there... there could be to 2+!
But we wont know for a while.

This was 10dp3dt
(10 days after our 3 day transfer)

Cant wait to see how far along I am. I put our transfer info in a tracker and according to that Im about 4 weeks on Wednesday!

Congratulations Samantha and Jack!!! <3 you guys