Thursday, August 9, 2012

What's next??

I haven't updated in a few days due to everything going on. I went back in Wednesday for my second beta and the numbers went down.. 14.2 and it was 25. Not a good sign. They thought it was a Lab error or the fact that I went to my local clinic for the blood draw instead of going to Fargo and because they use a different kind of beta test the numbers where just off. Well they checked the progesterone today of that blood draw and it went from 14.5 to 4.2 Indicating the babies didn't make it.

I am so confused because since Sunday  I still FEEL pregnant. When I had my chemical pregnancy last year I knew exactly when I wasn't pregnant anymore. And that's when the tests went negative. They are still Positive as of today but that's due to the medication still making my body feel pregnant and holding onto the HCG. There is a very very small chance that when I go in tomorrow for my 3rd blood draw it will go up but likely wont.

How I feel???

First I was sad. I felt guilty and that I did something wrong. Thought of EVERYTHING I did the last 2 weeks and the whole" Maybe if I didn't do this". I was angry at my body for making me feel pregnant and wondered if its me?? Hearing that it wasn't anything I did helped me alot. It could of been the type of meds we are using. Could of been bad timing... could of been the embys...

Talking with the nurse I feel more educated on how and why things happen. What to expect next =S and how I am going to handle work.

I had a great talk with Sam. We are both on the same page and even tho Im carrying her babies with no ganetic tie we both feel the same on this and  whats next. Understanding and accepting this for what it is.

God as a plan bigger then our own and this pregnancy wasnt in his plan. We will be trying again. After the blood draw tomorrow and results I will be stopping my medications and waiting for my period. Starting birth control and getting my body ready again for a transfer. We are hoping for October but it all depends on how everything looks. We are OKAY. Not saying this isn't hard or hurt but knowing now what we have been wondering and aching about it we can now get to a place of peace and acceptance.
This next time around we will know more. We know what to expect and what we will need to do. We feel we will be better prepared.

Ill post updates when they happen but that's whats happening now.

Thank you everyone who prayed for us and thought of us. The messages and calls and texts Thank you! <3


  1. I'm so sorry for everyone that this happened. God has a plan that we just don't always know about. Looks like we both will be having a transfer in Oct, I hope everything goes well next time.

  2. I'm so sorry it didn't work out this time. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  3. Thinking of all of you. God's timing is perfect, but sometimes knowing that doesn't make it feel better.