Thursday, June 6, 2013

When will you come little man?

       We had our appointment on Wednesday and I'm dilated to a 2. Before I was barley a 1. So this little guys slowly making his way here. I've noticed some changes the last week or so but nothing to make me think its going to be here SOON.. but I can say Ill be surprised if he comes over his due date. I'm really excited about this.. but at the same time sad.

      This Journey has been a long and emotional one.. but it also has gone by very fast. There where so many things I wanted to do with Sam and Jack to help them bond but I'm not worried as I was in the beginning, living away from each other. There are so many people out there that adopt their child and never meet them until after they are born and sometimes years after and have a bond like no other. I think it was more for me. Some for baby yes, but I needed that bond with them to walk strong and not feel like I have to bond with Baby. I was afraid if I made too strong of a bond it would be hard to let go after he's born. To look at him and wonder if I was really done having children or if this was a piece of what I wanted in years to come. I really cant say for sure If I want more children.. a part of me says yes but I think that's all mothers to some extent. The BOND I have with him is different. Yes, I can say I did bond with him. We talked We poked each other. I cried for him and wanted him for them. I count down the days like I did my own.. but to see the love I have for my kids in their eyes. Its a bond that's far different then my own kids but its a bond of love. I read some surrogates blogs and they go through this like its nothing. Just another day.. just some "job".
(it seems) For me this was so much more. I cant say it was more emotional or that I got attached more so then others, I think its the story that started before us. The story of my own struggles and so on. Every piece of my life added together is making a great picture. Slowly I am letting go and letting God ... It's scary to let so much go.. but I'm doing it one day at a time..

Olivia's a bit attached to me being pregnant. She likes talking to the baby and kissing him. Makes me a little worried how she will handle not having a baby to come home with..

This little boy is very special to my family.. Its hard for me to even put it into words at this point how I feel but I'm sure more answers will come with time.

Now I can say I'm really starting to get things together for him to come. My bag is packed for the most part. I have day care lined up for during the day and my mother in law said if she can come she will be here. Otherwise my dad and sister will help too. At least overnight. What's so different this time is I wont have to stay in the hospital as long, as long as there is no complications. Ill just be going up for pumping and giving breast milk. Working on building a supply for them to go home with and after. I'm nervous about breastfeeding (pumping) this time. As of now I'm not sure if he will latch to me at all and if we will do just pumping right off the bat. With my kids I didn't respond well to pumping until after my breast milk came in. I had plenty of breast milk that's for sure... just getting the let downs. We will see, it will be a hospital grade pump there and I heard they are amazing. And I'm picking up mine after he's born.

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