we have some exciting news

We are pregnant! AND it's TWINS. Twins run in my family so this doesn't surprise me. I am very shocked and I  have mix emotions with the timing but leaving it all up to God. This is HIS plan. It brings me back to being pregnant with the twins before and I'm so afraid of losing one like Sam lost one of hers. I almost feel guilty it's TWINS. I don't know if this is normal or not but what is my life? Far from normal that's for sure. I am sick all the time but not as often as before. Every thing else is the same. Acne weight gain some days loss others. Now we wait. I go back the Friday after Christmas for another ultrasound. I'm always expecting bad news so pray for peace.

Staying busy at the Y

Olivia turned 4. Can't believe my baby is 4

Painted my bathroom. So much better then the ugly blue

giving thanks

Everything here has been going smoothly. A year ago Sam was busting with excitement of the twins and now finny is here. I can't believe it. We are all doing great. We went to Fargo a few weekends back to get pictures done by Sam. They turned out amazing. He is one good lookin boy. Chunky and full of cuddles. We went to dinner and talked about the last year. Finding out a lot of my thoughts and feelings are the same as hers. Still sharing the same thoughts and feelings like when I was pregnant. Moments I treasure.

Then after I went for another visit but this time for a damsel in distress party. Something like that. They sell stuff for self defense. I bought a taser..hehe. Here are SOME of the pictures I got.

Such a wonderful mommy

He wasn't having the bottle yet that was for sure

Smiles for manda

I got quiet snuggle time with him too. It's moments like these that I am so blessed I have. Not many surrogates get this opportunity to have this close of a relationship with their families and surrogate baby. I get sad here and there missing Sam's close companionship when I was pregnant but I know that that was part of the deal. And I still have so much more then so many others so for that I am THANKFUL. This little boy has so much love pouring onto him he will never know what it is to be alone or unloved.Watching Sam work her magic taking care of him ...priceless. Still no motherly bond or needyness from me. I was more the ok he's not happy go to mommy feelings lol. I'm anxiously wanting to be pregnant again. In a weird way.. I can't wait to give him his Christmas gifts.

Well I'm still waiting to see what happens with my health. My heart stuff has acted up again. A trip by ambulance multiple tests ekg a stress echo and back on beta blockers. We are working our way to hopefully figuring this crap out soon. Heart palpitations pvc's pva's pain. It may all be ok and not dangerous just bothersome.it could be more. I'm not sure yet. My Dr is even stumped since some of what's happening to me she hasn't even seen before. So prayers are definitely appreciated. 

A few months back I got a call from Sam saying on the minds of moms was doing a story on her and wanted me to do an interview. I said sure. I emailed them and answered all their questions. Onthemindsofmoms.com

It turned out amazing. I can't wait to get a paper copy. Eee

Well I'm off to bed. I hope every one has a wonderful Thanksgiving.

the last time

I cant believe its coming up to a year that my world changed once again but in more ways then expected. This coming weekend  it will be a year since my papa fell off his ladder and got flown down to St Cloud ICU. Watching him live off of life support was the worst moments of my life next to losing my mother. Then hearing there was nothing more they could do we had to take him off... Nightmare. The fallowing week was the funeral as well as the transfer. There was no turning back. We had to do it regardless of the funeral. The transfer landed on the day of the wake and the funeral the next day while I was on bed rest. I didn't know I only hoped one of the little ones would stick. I truly believe papa had his hand in them growing in my belly. He was one of the few people that fully supported me in being a surrogate. Others where positive and happy I was doing such a thing but wasn't there after the first loss or the heart break like he was. He was my rock. He was the one who loved me when I was hard to love. When I lost my own baby and lost Sam's he was the one who called every day. Who invited me over for dinner and cared if my heart broke. God I miss him so much. It feels as if the last year hasn't moved at all in a times sense. Some things that needed to be done arnt. Ive seen a darkness in people that's done nothing but sicken me to the core. I need peace and I need to try and move my life in the direction he would want me to go in. Finnegan Saved me when I could of easily fallen apart. I was strong when I had my children but when I left for my appointments or anything away from them Finnegan was the one who needed me. He reminded me of the beginning of life and papa was the end. Life was short and I needed to live it to the best that I could. I made mistakes that where mine alone. I had dreams that I needed to fallow and I am now in the process of fallowing one and that's going back to school for nursing. 

I'm Heading To Fargo On Thursday For Sam To Take Pictures Of Us. And Of course See Finnegan. This Is A Very Much Needed Trip. Trying To Stay Positive This Next Week....

papa and i

It

My Girl Friends Wedding This Last Weekend

Baptism

Sept 8th we went to Fargo for Finny's baptism. Nick had to work that weekend and couldn't find anyone to switch with him so it was just the kiddos and I. I was so excited when Sam messaged me about the baptism still in disbelief that I am actually invited to something so special and after have lunch with her family. I sat and admired everyone loving him up that day. Feeling those moments after he was born all over again. I would lie if I said I didnt tear up a time or two. Hes getting so big I couldn't believe it when she placed him in my arms how much hes grown. Time goes by way to fast that's for sure..

we couldnt of had a trip with out some excitement could we.. ? Nope most definitely not. After the Baptism Sam wanted to get a couple pictures. In litterly a second Thomas was gone. I ran through the church frantic with every second going by I got more and more scared. Thomas has a tendency of "fleeing" places or wandering. Well Jack decided to check outside.. and sure enough he was out in the parking lot. He thought we left and he went looking for us. Jack was so calm while tears filled my eyes as soon as I saw him. Such a great daddy he is. =) He knew exactly what to say to make me feel better.

After the pictures we went to a restaurant to have some lunch. The food was really good and the waiter was great too. Thomas was pretty over stimulated by this time so it was hard for him to relax, eventually he did eat some and the kids ( Jack and Sams girls and my 2) played for a while before we had to head back home. Finny slept the whole time. I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to get him for his baptism gift. It had to be perfect and something he can keep forever... I got him a baptismal Stuffed lamb. It had a cross on its foot and super soft. I thought he is a precious little lamb. so sweet and soft and the meaning behind it all went perfect as well. But I couldnt forget about his twin. That baby was with us even if it was for a short time. Along with Finnys other brothers/sisters are resting in the arms of our savior until one day we will all be together again. Maybe some people think its too much. That maybe its being too into it emotionally, but I dont think so. I also got an angel.. a remembrance angel (like precious moments) to remember all the little ones that are waiting. I had to remember them. I still think of the baby I lost so earlie on and I wonder myself what could of been and that it still is my baby. Anyone whos lost a child knows what Im saying. I hope the angel gives some peace and love to Sam.

I still get the question of feeling a loss or regret.. and my answers the same. Im Happy I was her surrogate. I go through some emotional days where Im still in disbelief that every things happened and that usually goes with a sappy text to Sam (*smiles*) but its true. I miss the closeness Sam and I had for months tho. Going from talking/texting all the time and seeing each other at least 1-5x a month to life getting busy again and it going back to 'normal', so it has been a change. I knew it would happen and its not a bad thing at all, its just something thats apart of the gig. lol. She sends me pictures with updates and I must say it makes my day! *keep em coming hehe*.

The kids are busy with school and Im trying to get into the LPN program for next fall. With the new 'have to do's ' to get into the program Im a little stressed but trying to stay positive. The holidays are right around the corner and so is Olivias birthday in December. So lifes going to get even more hectic.. 

Next trip to fargo Sams going to do an update on our family photos. Im pretty darn excited Im already trying to figure out what everyones going to wear!!!

Its the little things..

love getting updates from mommy and daddy.. and I have to share

Finny is 12.6 lbs now (little chubbers) and is now babbling and "talking"

6 Weeks

things here have been going... Im working out more and tryed out kick boxing for the first time with my girl friend. I have used my moms boxing bag at home and i hope to go to the gym more.

We went to the fair and before school starts we are heading to the Zoo and Mall of American to see.  TMNT. (teenage mutant ninja turtles)

Went to the shooting range.. Super pumped

Bad Boy

went on my first air plane ride with my father in law and kiddos

in the air...over lake Carlos

Nick his dad Brad and the kids.

loving the fair

School starts next week and I have to say Im a bit uneasy on how busy we are going to be.Thomas is getting another assessment done to see where he is on the Autism  Spectrum.We where told of SPD anxiety and adhd but we where unsure of anything else until recently.  This is a whole new world for us and finding support is becoming time consuming and stressful. I honestly had some ideas with my work back ground working with the disabled and kids but never did I think this would touch my. family. SPD is on the spectrum but only the sensory aspect of it. We have known of this for the last 2 years. Regardless we will do this head on whatever comes out of his assessment just staying positive and keeping an open mind. IT WONT CHANGE HOW WE LOVE OUR SON!!

Cant believe its almost fall... in 4 it will be Christmas *ooofta*