Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I must say tonight my nerves are shot. Everything else in the world is weighing on my shoulders other then anything that should be stressing me out.
Trying to understand people and there choices and words. Getting tore down from those I trusted is the worst thing that could of happened.... when I need them most.. * more then one person*
Im worried about all the stuff going on with me. Im trying to stay calm and not seem anxious but honestly every time I get dizzy, my heart races or get shortness of breath I think to myself... "whats wrong".. "am I going to be ok?". Would I change the choices with being a surrogate.. no.
Weather I would carry a baby for someone or have a child for myself this would happen. And possibly would of happened if I wasn't pregnant. 5 years ago during an exam they found some nodules on my thyroid and they turned out to be fine. One solid and one fluid. Over time and tests they continued to be fine. I noticed my weight jumped from time to time but that's normal with what I had from what I understood. I worry about my heart and body... the tests they have run showed the issues Im having thus far with my thyroid are not good and not all the tests are back yet. I worry about the baby making sure I take extra good care of myself to take care of him. TRYING to limit any stress in my life but that isn't working so well. I feel like everything and everyone that could be going off on me or stressers that could come up are happening at this very moment. Every time theres any confrontations or larger stresser then normal other then my normal" ok kids settle down for the 100th time lol" stuff my heart races and my head spins. Ive been told if its just my thyroid most of the time it can be fixed with medication and sometimes surgery. Like I said this isnt the only issue on the table but in time Ill get to the rest.
Ive been reaching out to God harder then I have in a long time. Praying for guidance and patience. That everything will turn out fine and nothing will happen to either of us... *baby or I*.
Today I am 15 weeks and 2 days along. Ive been slacking on pictures yes.. I seem to take them in my PJs or in something not so flattering just to send them to Sam and Jack. So nothing here yet. Ill get to it I promise *smiles* ... soon Sam is going to take some pregnancy pictures again. Im hoping to take some pictures of baby Jase and the kids too. My grandpas wife's daughter had a little boy New Years Eve and at this time he will be staying with me and grandma. He is so precious. If it wasn't for Zoe Thomas Olivia and baby Jase I truly would go crazy. They give me peace and get me to get my butt in gear when there are days I just want to be lazy and do nothing. Im sure thats what every parent says haha. They are my world and top priority...
I am truly thankful for these precious little ones and the positive people in my life right now.
Tomorrows the ECHO and I meet with the specialist next Thursday. Keep us in your prayers.