Some good... and some bad. People come and go and with some I'm still I'm not understanding why.
I have lost not only my papa but I have also lost good friends. Some due to the surrogacy yes. Am I happy about this? No absolutely not but I cant change the path I am on ... and I can honestly say if I could I still wouldn't. With those people I questioned for a Moment ..."why? What have I done so wrong that the ones Ive needed most in my life and have been there for turn their back on me when things in my life have gotten so complicated. Why is it that God throws so many things at me since my mom died that Ive hit my Limit with some? And I'm giving a short piece of time in my life to do something for another is it too hard to stick with me and understand?" I guess I don't try and question Gods motive or plan for me and with my life. A hint would be nice tho.
Maybe its earlie in the morning (530am here) and I cant sleep so it leaves me with nothing but my thoughts. I would really love to catch a break from all of this tho. I can honestly say Ive lost 90% of my friends.
Yep, I feel abandoned and on top of being pregnant I feel super emotional about this. Who wouldn't right? I guess I always looked at my life and saw what I always wanted to do for others... and what I could do with what time I had and what ability I had. KARMA.... But it never seems to be enough.. People take and walk away. They get what they want or need for the time being and that is all. Weather its an ear, favor, time, money or someone they go off on, then say sorry later and blame a bad day... it never ends.
My children and my family have been a steady rock for me . I thank God for giving me such blessings. The friends that have stood by me have been without a doubt angels. Ones that made me a priority like I did them with what I could, instead of just an option when it was convenient for them.
This next year I want to put back into my life was taken or left from me the best that I can. I cant bring back my mom or papa but I can make better investments in the relationships I have in my life. I need to stop cutting myself short and set up boundaries so I don't get used and thrown away like so many times before.
And a bug part of that is from my own choices as well. I spent the last 8 months trying to either prepare to get pregnant or be pregnant that so much was just left unsaid and done. I just accepted it. I am doing what so many wish they could or thank me for doing but for most those are just words... do they really feel that way? If so then why do actions speak louder then those words those people spoke? I didn't ask for my Papa to pass away when he did and yes I made the choice to still do the transfer after knowing it would be the same time I would have to help plan the funeral as well as attend and grieve. Knowing that Sam and Jack made an investment in having a child and I made the investment in agreeing and WANTING to help them. If people cant stand with me then I need to walk away and with some I already have.
On a more exciting note as of last night I can feel baby move with my hands. He is one active little guy. Sam thinks its the irish in him... I think its that and he cant wait to meet his new family in 23 weeks (or less).
Hope everyone has a wonderful day =) Hope I wasnt too pittyish...
I just thought you should know just how amazing you really are. You are doing such a selfless thing for Sam and I can't begin to tell you how those in her life (even those of us from afar) thank whatever higher power is out there that you stepped into her life.
ReplyDeleteSome people just can't see beyond their own noses. It isn't an excuse and it isn't any fault of yours that they can't possibly understand this path you're on. It is ignorance, and one day they will regret their words. Though it isn't much comfort, I hope you know just how many of us think you are an amazing human being.
Keep your chin up. You're doing a fantastic job keeping that bean safe and sound. Never forget just how many people are thankful for you.
~ Chris