13 weeks~2nd trimester

Up until now Ive mostly blogged about appointments, life situations, medications ect. I was sitting here thinking of what I really wanted to get out of this blog. Yes, I think that education on IVF infertility and this journey all together is not only interesting to others but to those struggling themselves with infertility and this blog I hope gives them HOPE to not give up.

I also wanted to start putting down my feelings cravings thoughts ect along this journey so this little man can look back and know how much he was loved by not only his wonderful parents and family. But extended ones that wanted him here and stood strong, not giving up when it seemed like that was the only option. That not only can he look back but the family can as well...

I wanted to know story's of when my mom was pregnant. What she craved what she felt ect. What music she listened to  Places she went and all the firsts. Sam wishes she could experience all of these and I find it important she does experience as much as she can. I don't want her to miss out on one thing or not remember a date when something happened. I pray one day his wife doesn't have anything happen to her where she cant carry a child but if that is Gods plan he can say "this is what my family did". Yes, Im thinking WAY far into the future but guess what... this is a FUTURE they never thought they would have... to me this is important and what Nick and I did with our little ones. Talked and dreamed...

Today marks 13 weeks.....

 Today for breakfast I had some Honey Hut Cheerios and Juice. Ramen for lunch because pizza sounded gross and greasy. A whole Grape Fruit (Diff. my craving for the last 2 weeks) and Ice water.

Things I love...
Grape Fruit
OJ
Yogurt
Cheese
All canned veggies cold or cooked... Soooo YUMMY!!!
SALAD!!

Things I dislike....
Chicken Kiev
more then a couple bites of cake
bacon bits

Ive been listening to The Civil Wars alot lately and alot of Country music and 80's music.

The last week Ive felt little man here and there but always when Im laying on my back and really still. At first I wasn't sure if it was him or gas (Love pregnancy haha) or maybe I was hungry.. but the longer it happened and how often I knew it wasn't that. Once you have a child let alone more then one, once you feel the baby move you never forget that feeling. Its like a 6th sense when It comes to your body.

Just like knowing the sex of the baby. Ive never been wrong and feeling out the gender in my own pregnancy or anyone else's I've ever "guessed". Sam and I talked when I first got pregnant and I told her it was a boy and a girl. Now that the other baby passed away I am now 100% sure that was a little girl. And the first pregnancy was girl (s) too. With girls I break out with acne. I get a rash all over my body and the worst spot is the chest. I feel so  much more with girls then I do boys. Boys are so calm I almost forget I am pregnant. Im hardly ever sick just tired.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve... I cant believe it... This last year marked many losses in my family but the biggest was my papa... In a way Im afraid to leave this year behind me because its the last year he was with me.... after this its different. its like Im closing a chapter in my life and Im not ready for it to close. It still doesn't seem real....

This last year also marks many blessings and positive things. We bought our first house in March. I started working at Knute the end of December 2011/January 2012. Bought a car that I really liked and not just put up with. Found Sam and Jack and started the process that changed my life forever... an accomplishment that I thought I would never be able to feel. To help fill the whole that I once felt myself...

Holy blog rant... well Im off to go take a lovely nap *smiles*

12 weeks 5 days

 

 

We had an ultrasound today with blood work and met with out Dr. I am 2 days shy of 13 weeks =)... Jack Sam and the girls came up for the appointment. They where a bit shy at first but warmed up and quickly showed off. Super cute.

 

Baby's HB was 143 during the US, and 170's with the Doppler when we met with our Dr.

Blood work is still pending and UA showed a trace of blood but with the twin that's normal.

 

And in our appointment we saw that Sam and Jack are having a.......

 

 

 

BOY!!!

 

 

 

We got a few videos too Ill try and upload after a bit. Super excited and cant wait to see this little man grow. He is super active too. Sucking on his hands kicking flipping and he sure doesnt like it when I cough.. lol

 

Baby B is still there watching over his/her brother.

Hope everyone has a great weekend and stay safe =)

9 weeks and 10 weeks

I'm a little behind on posting.. Its been a very emotional roller coaster the last 2 weeks. We went in for an ultrasound and I must say I didn't have the greatest feeling about this one. I didn't know what it was but something was off...

Something was not right....

After checking all around the babies the tech started looking at each one. Baby A (pictured below). and Baby B ( couldn't get the picture to upload)

Well baby A was healthy as can be.. HB 171 kicking moving so CUTE!

Then we got to baby B and we knew something wasn't right. It was smaller and didn't move...

The tech couldn't find a HB and told us we needed to meet with our OB after the appointment. LONGEST WAIT EVER!!!

 

She came in and told us that baby B didn't make it. It was a week behind with no HB.

It was so hard sitting next to Sam keeping myself together and asking every question I could think of so she wouldn't have to. Trying to wrap our heads around losing one and having another and leaving sam was the most difficult for me. Why?? Haven't they been through enough?? What could of been wrong? Would we of lost both??
The first 2 days where the hardest for me thinking they where wrong just like at the hospital saying one baby's yolk sack was gone then 3 days later having 2 HB.

 

 

So our OB wanted to get another US the following week... at 10 weeks ( just to be sure)

I was praying for a miracle but knowing the facts I knew there was no way there would be 2 HB.

 

Baby A was still there kicking flipping and wanting all Mommy's attention. Hands by its mouth I say either sucking on its hands/fingers or picking its nose... either way flippin cute right??

HB of baby A 163 BPM

     

 

We did all the measurements of baby A and its right on track!! *big smiles*

 

 Then we went to baby B. It was still there still measuring

 8 weeks 2/3 days. My heart broke seeing it there but at the same time I had a feeling of peace. Baby A has an angel right next to him/her. I feel comfort knowing even tho its so so small its still a precious baby and I have it safe inside me until God decides to take it from my Body by having my Body absorb it. Or Baby A will push it out of the way and it will take care of its self. Most likely absorb.

Ive noticed the difference in my belly since last week. Before it was growing very rapidly and now its about the same if not a little less pressure around the pants line. The nauseous feeling all day long is now about 75% of the time and not 100% .

 I'm a little less tired but not by much.

 

 

Ive had one hell of a weekend with so much on my mind and on my heart I didn't sleep as well as I should of either. Sam and I talked for over an hour after our appointment and it was exactly what I needed. Reassurance for both of us and a sense of Peace and knowing now what we needed to know... now its up to God and we need to focus on what we still have. I must say I'm really falling in love with this little person in me. Its so different tho. I don't feel like I did with my kids. I don't get that drop love feeling when I see it on the US machine. But I love it just the same as I do all kiddos. When my best friend had her little boy I cryd. I was there from day one through the whole delivery and after. I can say that's the Love I feel right now. That Auntie that's going to spoil the crap out of this little one but scold you when you throw that rock at the passing car kinda love. AND I LOVE IT!!! 

First OB appointment

Today Sam came down for our first OB appointment. She got here earlie so we could hang out. I ended up passing out on the couch when the kids napped and she poked about on her phone. How boring am I? lol

Our appointment went really well. We where there for 2 hours ( way behind) but our OB was fantastic. Took her time explained herself and what our "plan" was up to about 16 weeks. Then its all in the air and up to the babies.

 

 

Waiting.... waiting.... waiting.....

She said that I need to gain more weight. I have actually lost weight being pregnant and with being VERY VERY sick that Ive just started gaining a little back. So down 10 up 3... I have a ways to go.

She said I need to eat anything I can keep down and to eat SOMETHING every 15 min or so. She was a little concerned with how much blood I lost the night I went to the ER and how big the clot was. And that this isnt the first time Ive bled and with my history with Thomas and Hemorrhaging she will be keeping a close eye on me.

The longest she will let me go is 38 weeks. I told her I want to avoid a c-section and she said that was fine but I will have to deliver in the O.R to make sure babies and I are safe.

She increased my Zofran but now my insurance has to get a waiver so I can get more then 12 pills for 15 days. So tonight Im all out till hopefully tomorrow. Im sucking down milk and water to keep full and snacking as much as I can.

Im also on an ant-acid pill. Acid shooting up in the middle of the night isnt much fun....

I go back next week for an ultrasound and the week after for more blood tests. Then I see her 2 weeks after that.

Hopefully tomorrow I get to cut down on some of the other meds when they get the results back from Fargo... Fingers Crossed <3

Graduated

I am officially done with the clinic in Fargo and graduated to our OB here in Alexandria. We will be having a few more blood tests that will run in Alex and get sent there.
And at 10 weeks I will be off all my meds~~!! OH YES!!! I am way excited about that..


This last week we got to see the babies again and hear the heart beat's again. But this time we got numbers..
Baby A(right): Heartbeat is 136
Baby B(left): Heartbeat is 110

We are looking at earlie June babies since they let twins go to about 37 weeks... By 37 weeks I'm assuming Ill be SPENT and want these babies out. haha.

Still feeling crummy and tired. I seem to have some relief when I snack. If its been a while since Ive eaten something or even drank anything I get sick and shaky. Ive went through 3 cans of pineapple. I love the juice over ice and its something easy and healthy that I just put in a container and pull out when I need a small snack. That and yogurt. I buy the tubs and snack away.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday week/end.

So far so good

So far we haven't had any more bleeding since last weekend. *phew* I must say I am finding myself getting more and more tired as the days progress. I am nauseous off and on and that seems to be increasing as well. The other night I had some kind of acid indigestion because I woke up with terrible chest pain and feeling like I was about to throw up. Ran to the bathroom got sick ate some tums and felt better. I have no idea where it came from and I'm thinking its from my prenatal vitamin. I'm testing out when I should take it. If i take it anytime after noon I get this to happen and I feel worse.

I have to eat small meals slowly and lay down after larger meals like dinner. Ginger is my best friend and I am looking for any other natural remedies I can use to help all of this. Crackers make me want to gag in the morning. Someone said candy canes... So I think a walmart run is in order to give it a try.

I never really got sick with my 2 kids. From a smell here and there but nothing like this. Or this tired. Double work on my body and I'm definitely feeling it.

October 30th. 1 Day after positive Clinic test 7 days after positive home test... NO BUMP just bloated from meds...

 

 

 November 14th... need I say more?

I popped out earlier with Olivia then I did with Thomas but not this earlie. I am a little bloated on top from the meds but the round little belly as you can compaire from the picture above is all bump. My GF who's going for her RN could feel the top of my uterus. This is going to be a long ride I'm feeling =P

2 pairs of pants are put up already and I replaced them with 1 bigger size AND sweat pants

(my new best friend).. I have lost weight since the transfer and I'm guessing alot of it has to do with me eating less, but right now that's all normal and babies are healthy and growing. I wont need to worry about weight gain for a while.

Cant wait for monday and be able to see our little buns. <3

Back Again

Over the weekend I had a huge scare. At about 2am sat morning I started spotting. The spotting turned into gushing blood and passing a clot the size of my fist. I called the on call nurse and they told me to go into the ER asap. I was sure we lost the babies. I went to the ER and all the staff acted like I passed them and asked what I wanted them to do. I told them I hemorrhaged with my son and I needed to be sure I was safe and if the babies passed or not. Well HCG was 18282 and surprise BABIES WHERE THERE!!!

The ultrasound machine was a down grade from the ultrasound machines they have in Fargo so they couldn't see the one sack on one and thought it collapsed. But the other baby looked great. No heart beats at that time. There was alot of fluid around the uturis so they said a cyst must of ruptured.

They released me and told me to rest and go back in if I started bleeding again like I did before (it started slowing down). And to check with my Dr.

I rested alot over the weekend with little walking and alot of sitting.

Monday came and I headed back to Fargo. They didn't do a HCG because there where 2 little heart beats!!!!

Progesterone and estrogen was right where it should be and they couldn't explain the bleeding but to take it easy for 2 weeks. It is common to have bleeding with a twin pregnancy so this could happen throughout the next 7 months but usually stops at about 8 to 10 weeks.

 

baby A and baby B

 

I go back to Fargo next week monday for more blood work and another ultrasound then the week after I start seeing our OBGYN!!!

 

 

EXCITING NEWS

We had another Ultrasound today and we found out its TWINS!!!!! I had a feeling it was and last week we thought we saw 2 in there. Now its confirmed!!! We are so excited. The dr said they are looking great what ever Im doing keep it up!!!
No Heart Beat yet Maybe next week!


Email from the Nurse~

TOTAL BETA HCG Date: 11/07/2012
Value: 11772*  (HOLY YEY)

You have an early twin intrauterine pregnancy measuring 5 weeks and 3 days without cardiac activity.

 

2 little buns !!

Peace

This morning I woke up to some uterine pain. Dull somewhat crampy but more of an ache. Went to the bathroom and I was spotting. Instantly my heart sank. Flash back of the last cycle and I almost started crying. I calmed down text Sam and called the clinic and asked them what to do. They thought I should come in for an ultrasound and blood work. I only spotted the one time and it was very light but with the acheness it made it very scary.

We went in for the ultrasound and BAM there was peanut...

So far we for sure see one little one in there. Sam and I swear we saw a second but smaller spot but its too earlie to tell. The Dr was even surprised to of seen anything this earlie. 4 weeks 3 days along putting our due date at July 8th 2013!!! 4 days after my Birthday!!!
 That little black spot there is him/her!

 

Then we waited for the blood work.. HCG went up 700!!!
1983!!!!
Thank God because even if we saw peanut and the HCG dropped we would most likely miscarry.
The progesterone went up as well (whats sustaining the pregnancy through medications) 18.7 from 10!!! The labs where perfect!!!

Now I rest. Nicks gone hunting all weekend and its just the kids and I for a few days. I think Ill take some time to get some reading done on SPD and relax with the kiddos since I'm on light duty for a few days.

Good Luck Hunters!!!!

 

 

2nd beta

I went back to Fargo today to have our second beta... 1246..

I can say its still very exciting but I am so much more relaxed that the numbers tripled.

I can tell this pregnancy is way different already next Wednesday we will see if theres 2or even more.....

 God is so good..

             * the kids are showing me their surro babys*

*I told the kids theres a baby in my tummy. Thomas lifted my shirt said "wheres the baby" And"its stuck". Pushed on my belly and said baby come out now! I told him it needs to grow and get strong he goes oh they need to eat and go poopy. Lol he also thinks that when he pokes me inside my belly button hes poking the baby! Lol

Double Bubble Toil and Trouble.

Well as most know we are happy to announce WE ARE PREGNANT!!! We started getting positives at 5 days post transfer. Those who dont know much about IVF thats super earlie. They have been dark since day 9. We went in today for out BETA and the number where shocking!!!

467!!!!!!!!!

I knew they would be high due to how I have been feeling and the tests but 467?!?!?! With that Number we very well will be looking at TWINS or MORE!!!

Lately I have been feeling very tired and emotional. Im already feeling bloated and tighter inside but that could be the meds too. Time will tell.

With God all things are possible.. and our faith got us this far.

We go back Wednesday for another BETA and to check Progesterone and such to make sure Im taking enough. Then we set up OUR ULTRASOUND!!!!!

 

 

 

Its my Belly and Their Baby (s)

From the bottom of my heart 2

The last 2 weeks of my life has been nothing but CHAOS. I had to say goodbye to a man I looked at as my dad. A man that raised me and took care of me and was there when I needed him the most.. or just to talk. My papa fell from a ladder Friday late afternoon trying to paint his house. He had sever brain damage and was flown to St Cloud Hospital and was on life support. On Saturday we got the worst news that there was nothing that could be done. After surgery to take out to blood clot and relieve the pressure there was too much damage. At 725pm I said Goodbye to the most important man in my life. He was my dad. .

 

 

 

The transfer landed on the Day of the wake and the funeral was the next day. There was no working around it. I got up earlie and got ready to go to Fargo Thurday morning. Did the routine of no smelly shampoos clothes ect.

Nick went with me this time and my mother in law watched the kids. It was different this time but in a good way. We knew what to expect with everything but we changed so much that it was different as well.

 

 

 

Nick Making me giggle as usual

 Sam and I

Into my pelvis

It wasn't too bad... the worst one was the "mother one" in my right leg. That one stung a bit but soooo worth it.They had to flick the needle before during and after.

I am who I am

 

Love 2

 I must say my face says it all. Prepping me for the embryos.

 

HERE THEY COME

 

Placement

 

After the transfer I came home and get ready for the wake. Sam came down and we spent the 2 days I was on bed rest together. It was so challenging going through the wake and funeral but knowing I had to hold myself together for these 2 little ones I must say it really did help me keep level headed. With the help of my amazing family and friends I was able to do this in a way I was able to still get peace and was able to grieve. . When we where at the hospital I was able to let it all out without the worrie of the babies. God had this happen for a reason....

I cant put into words how much I love and appreciate everyone that has been here for me the last 2 years. One with my mother passing away a year and 7 months ago and now papa. The support love and acceptance. The way my uncle wouldn't let me carry even the lightest bag. My MeeMaw (grandma Karla) willing to bring the wheel chair. Sam spending time with me and my family through the good and bad. My sister and brother being there when living an hour to 4 hours away. To friends that came to the funeral and the wake. That touched my heart to deeply it brings me to tears right now.
A family friend and pastor coming to the hospital in the middle of the night to be with us after he got hurt... Not letting us be alone in our pain... People who stopped by brought goodies. Helped with making food for the funeral and helping with my kids and Zoe. The Brandon Fire Department who offered to finish painting his house so Karla and Zoe don't have to worry.  God I thank each and every one of you to the bottom of my heart and back. There are so many amazing beautiful people around me and I am so blessed. God broke my heart by taking my papa (dad) but he mended it with the love and compassion of all the people in my life that care. I truly believe they where placed in my life for these very reasons. I could go on and on about all these amazing people but even then I couldn't describe the love I have.

Now we wait for the blood results next week <3 Please pray for high numbers

Love you <3

The date is set!

About 2 weeks ago I went to Fargo to meet with the acupuncturist and the clinic. Yes we are going to do acupuncture this time. Im a little nervous but Ive had alot of great people to talk to about it that has done it themselves. We are pulling out the big guns here folks haha

Acupuncture raises our chances for a positive pregnancy test by 15% to 20%. There will be 9 needles in my body at the beginning of the transfer

2-ear
3-pubic bone
1-over foot
3-inside lower leg.

During the Transfer they will take the ones in my pubic bone out and take out 1 set (2) from my lower leg.

After  they will put another set of 2 in my inner leg one outside and below my knee and one above the knee. The rest stay in while I rest on the table for 20 to 30 min or so.

Possible bruising can happen.

I had my appointment today with blood work and an ultrasound and Im already 10mm thick!! So you know thats an awesome number. Im feeling it get larger and heavier inside me. Like Im pregnant with out all the sides to it =).

That heavy bloated internal feeling.

The transfer will be next week so say lots of prayers for us and hopefully in a couple weeks we will have HUGE numbers and they double every 2 days!!!

<3 Love

Local Support

Here is the article they did on our journey. <3 


http://www.echopress.com/event/article/id/97916/

Bitter Sweet

 

 

My life has been extremely busy over the last week and Its only going to get busier the next 2. Met with my sons school for his IEP,went to his open house and met his new teacher.

He has SPD ADHD and Earlie child hood anxiety. We set up his bus schedule then found out the ride would be over an hour long from our out of town home to Pre-School in town. WAY too long for him to sit on the bus, so now we are going to be driving him to school and picking him up. At least its only 2 days a week so working around it for the surrogacy wont be impossible. Having a child with a disability has its challenges but also has it rewards. He is so loving accepting and has been awesome during the last few months with all that we have asked of him. The long drive to Fargo and back. The countless hours in Fargo and Mommy's tiredness with all the medications. My son is AMAZING!! My family has been wonderful through all of this. Its not just me doing this its them too.

 I'm so blessed to have such a strong compassionate husband and loving children.     

Proud Mama here * big smiles*

Today was Alexandria's 3rd annual CHD awareness walk. I volunteer to Lasting Imprint. A non profit organization that my girl friend started in memory and honor of her little girl that passed away from a CHD. She was only 14 days old.

Today we had a great turn out.

 Not sure on the numbers exactly but I'm guessing close to 300 people came out for the 2 mile walk/run. 

Nick and the kiddos walked and I stayed behind at one of the many stations we had.

The kids where troopers..

 

 

 

Part of the booth I helped run.

 

 

 

Some of the people at the beginning of the walk.

 

My Goof ball of a husband. His Cousins Daughter has a Heart defect. He walks for Team Riese

 

 

The super awesome fire truck this year. BIG HIT!

 

 

As I posted in an earlier post I had an interview with the local paper.

Well she wanted some pictures of us and the journey as well as a family picture. After realizing I didn't have much of family pictures we decided to go get a few done with a friend of mine that owns her own business.

CS Photography..

 Her husband is friends with Nick so we had alittle play date as well.

The kids had a blast and we got great pictures for the paper.

 

. http://www.csphotographyanddesign.com/

( here is her web site)

 

 

The last month has had its up and downs and has now left me feeling like a piece of me is missing. Not exactly from the miscarriage its self but everything else that went with it.
Some people have recently asked if the babies took and whats all going on.

 ( thank you for thinking of me.)

Explaining that we lost them at about 4 weeks but we will be trying again in October.

 I'm sure people arnt sure how to respond and bless them they are so sweet and gentle with their words. It has been difficult knowing that for what ever reason it didn't work but at the same time having that strength of not giving up and going to do it again not really "makes it ok" but pushes me on to know that God has a bigger plan and I am OKAY. Ive Accepted Gods plan thus far and working towards the next steps. Some have responded like it was my own children and to that part makes me feel awkward. Yes it "hurt" and was mentally difficult but way different then when I had my chemical a year ago.

Still pressing on and October cant come soon enough.

I'm hoping and praying for good weather for the appointments and transfer.

 

 

 

News paper

I met with a reporter from the ECHO press this afternoon. She wants to do a story on the Surrogacy Journey. She was so nice. Small world I graduated with her daughter.

I'm excited to see how it turns out. Shes going to be contacting Sam and getting an interview with her.

We are currently getting my body ready for the transfer in October. We are better prepared on whats needed and expected of us this time around. We will be using different medications with this cycle (shots). *ooofta*



Never Giving Up

Hope

I don't think many people truly believe in hope.

Hope is what keeps us lifted.... to believe in fighing what is against us.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.


Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Over the weekend I struggled with peoples negative hurtful words. These people tryd breaking me down even further then I was already broken. I Believed they where right and I was so wrong. I let others step into my mind and take over when I knew wasn't true. That our Dr waiting to wait a few days to be sure the numbers went down was a waste of time money and energy and my fault. I was stupid and needed to rethink our second transfer.Saying they felt sorry for the IP.  There was others... not that any of it was even true. But it hurt just the same. I knew the numbers would go down. I wasn't blind to the facts. I was positive in my mind and heart that no matter what God would do his will and in the long run be right even if I didn't see it at first. I blocked those people from ever seeing anything I post or me seeing anything about their lives.

Tonight I started cramping and feeling some back pain. I feel nauseous but Im used to it now.

I was told the next week is going to be tough. I knew just as much...

Getting through this part is only one step ... but its one step closer to our second transfer.
Theres so much Sam and I have talked about and seeing what we have learned over the last 3 months we feel alot more confident. We know what to expect and we know what to ask. ( for the most part).

My heart aches tonight but not for myself .. but thinking of those out there with no hope. Those who hurt others without thought. And those who are being hurt. The women who long to be mothers... wondering what they did so wrong that they couldn't have a child. *you did nothing wrong*
The men who couldn't give their lover a child. Helplessness... lonely... Broken. <3


I want to pray for those tonight. To not lose hope because Gods plan for them is perfect and beautiful even if they don't see it yet. With him anything is possible. He might just do it a little different then what anyone expects it to be =D
 <3

Start a New

Tests are back. My BETA's a 2. I took off my patches and put away all my other medications. Now we wait for AF.

I had a talk with one of the nurses when she called to tell me the results. ( shes my favorite) and I just talked with her about some of the stuff that's been weighing me down so far. I'm not going to get into detailes but I feel alot better that I got it off my chest, how much Ive been hurting and I feel like this is going to be better this time around with EVERYTHING. With Sam by my side and I by hers, We are doing this together. We both have one thing on our minds and hearts... a little peanut (s)<3

Roller Coaster Ride

So got the new BETA and Progesterone levels this morning from yesterday... Well my beta went down only 1.1 (14.4 to 13.3) and my Progesterone went UP from 4 to 9.8!!! They both should have dropped in 2 days... *sigh*
We arnt exactly sure what this means but we go back in Monday for more blood work. The Dr said they have seen freakier things that its not looking great but they want to give this every chance possible. That I got pregnant with twins one didn't make it and my levels are all over the place balancing out with one...

We are expecting for the worst since Wednesday but still hopeful. ♥

What's next??

I haven't updated in a few days due to everything going on. I went back in Wednesday for my second beta and the numbers went down.. 14.2 and it was 25. Not a good sign. They thought it was a Lab error or the fact that I went to my local clinic for the blood draw instead of going to Fargo and because they use a different kind of beta test the numbers where just off. Well they checked the progesterone today of that blood draw and it went from 14.5 to 4.2 Indicating the babies didn't make it.

I am so confused because since Sunday  I still FEEL pregnant. When I had my chemical pregnancy last year I knew exactly when I wasn't pregnant anymore. And that's when the tests went negative. They are still Positive as of today but that's due to the medication still making my body feel pregnant and holding onto the HCG. There is a very very small chance that when I go in tomorrow for my 3rd blood draw it will go up but likely wont.

How I feel???

First I was sad. I felt guilty and that I did something wrong. Thought of EVERYTHING I did the last 2 weeks and the whole" Maybe if I didn't do this". I was angry at my body for making me feel pregnant and wondered if its me?? Hearing that it wasn't anything I did helped me alot. It could of been the type of meds we are using. Could of been bad timing... could of been the embys...

Talking with the nurse I feel more educated on how and why things happen. What to expect next =S and how I am going to handle work.

I had a great talk with Sam. We are both on the same page and even tho Im carrying her babies with no ganetic tie we both feel the same on this and  whats next. Understanding and accepting this for what it is.

God as a plan bigger then our own and this pregnancy wasnt in his plan. We will be trying again. After the blood draw tomorrow and results I will be stopping my medications and waiting for my period. Starting birth control and getting my body ready again for a transfer. We are hoping for October but it all depends on how everything looks. We are OKAY. Not saying this isn't hard or hurt but knowing now what we have been wondering and aching about it we can now get to a place of peace and acceptance.
This next time around we will know more. We know what to expect and what we will need to do. We feel we will be better prepared.


Ill post updates when they happen but that's whats happening now.

Thank you everyone who prayed for us and thought of us. The messages and calls and texts Thank you! <3

Keeping Positive. . . .

I posted before that I had some cramping Sunday night and spotting Monday morning. Well It stopped all day Yesterday and this morning its started again. This time alot less and Im not really crampy. Im trying to stay positive with the Beta results and the spotting. They told me that the Embys could of attached late and not in the 48 hour period and that beta numbers cant be used in determining how many or quality other then pregnant or not until second beta test that's Wednesday. Obviously there are alot of factors in this. One its a 3 day transfer. Alot of information I have looked up range differently from a 3 to a 5 day transfers. Also the stages of the Embys. And like I said if they implanted within the 48 hours or later. AS well as all the medications Im on....

I didn't have spotting with my kids and obviously every pregnancy is different. Just positive thoughts from now until wed...(and after)

Lots of rest and water for this girl =)

Am I pregnant?!?!?!?!

After a Number of tests...

We are happy to announce we are PREGNANT!!!!

We have taken Many tests and they are getting darker and darker. Today we had our beta test and it was 25. I go back on Wednesday to see where the numbers are! We had a bit of a scare this morning when I started spotting after my shower. It has now stopped and I am feeling sicker then ever! Wonderful news!!

Sick me = Healthy baby (s)

As of now we know there is one little bun in there... there could be to 2+!
But we wont know for a while.

This was 10dp3dt
(10 days after our 3 day transfer)

Cant wait to see how far along I am. I put our transfer info in a tracker and according to that Im about 4 weeks on Wednesday!


Congratulations Samantha and Jack!!! <3 you guys

Cramping/Back Pain

Well Last night I had pain that took me to my knees. Called the Dr oncall and he told me to take some IBP and to call in the morning if its still continuing. Well it was still hurting but not as bad with the help of pain meds, So this morning I had to go to Fargo for blood work and an ultrasound. Turns out I have a nasty badder infection. I was hoping to go back to work this weekend but it looks like that wont be happening at least until after Monday. Ive taken 2 doses of my antibiotics and I'm hoping by morning It will start being more tolerable.Ive never had one before so I wouldnt of even guessed that was the issue last night.

Water weight with the meds dont help. Lugging extra weight around I can feel it in my feet. So after the kids go to bed Im taking a nice hot bath and putting my feet up to a movie. =D

I got to see Sam today. Its always fun seeing her. We have ALOT in common... to the point its a little creepy in a good way haha.

Going on Day 5

Going on day 5 tomorrow morning since the transfer and Ive already gained 10lbs. I guess I heard some bloating is normal but I wanst expecting this. In less then 5 days 10 LBS. Lets face it, Im not a TINY person and Im AOK with that. But holy crap! Ya Ill be honest this parts hard. I mean if we get a BFP then weight gain doesn't bother me one bit. I gained 20 with Thomas and 10 with Olivia and lost it all and plus some the first month or so afther they where born. I did some reading and most women who have done IVF gain some weight. anywhere from 4 to 10 lbs and each cycle expect to gain extra weight from the medications. I really hope this works the first time. I never minded pregnancy weight gain hormones acne whatever!!! Its all apart of it and I expected it. I'm just a bit shocked right now at how fast it all came...


Ive been having alot of cramping and back pain. The Dr said that this is normal and GOOD and to take IBP. oofta.

Come on Babies stick for Manda <3 <3 <3

Today is the Day!

I woke up really earlie this morning.. Like 6am!
I had a dream I forgot to take my shower with all my scent free products and we couldn't do the transfer. I woke up in a panic. Finally fell back to sleep for an hour and got ready for the transfer.

When I got there Sam was waiting for  me. Nick and the kids left to the local park and we met with the nurse to go over what all's going to happen and what I can and cant do the next 2 days.

Dr Christiansen came in and Sam signed all the papers for the transfer. I took the Valium they prescribed me to take to relax my uterus and we went back....

Here is the stuff they used for the transfer and to prep me for the transfer

Scent free, makeup free, sporting my shoot for sam shirt WAITING

Ultrasound to make sure my bladders full enough for the transfer

Amanda D (Check)
Birth Date (Check)

2 embryos (Check)...

They have a camera in the lab that shows parents there embys before they bring them out for the transfer..

Ultrasound during the transfer so they are placed in the perfect spot =)

Here are the 2 precious little ones

We picked up a bite for lunch and came home. I slept most of the way. I dont feel any pain or discomfort really. Just tired.

Little sore but thats to be expected.

Thank you everyone for the thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed and thankful to have such supportive family and friends during this wonderful times in our lives.

Sam and I after the transfer. She has her hand on her babies... so beautiful!

Transfer

Tomorrow we transfer 2 little buns into my oven.

They harvested 20 eggs from Sam and 14 survived fertilization. They will freeze 12 in case these 2 dont stick OR want more in the future!!!

Im so excited. Not so much for the transfer its self but for the happiness its bringing Sam and Jack and them being there tomorrow.

Everythings scent free and ready to go!!!

Lots of sticky dust please <3

SICK SICK SICK

I feel just awful this morning. Im tired bloated crampy and I feel like throwing up. I knew this wouldnt be easy as pie and up until now I really didnt feel that crummy. Just 2 more days until the transfer. I will still be on meds for a few weeks after but the transfer for me marks a large mile stone of it all.

They haven't contacted me on a time yet but they where guessing Earlie afternoon sometime.

Nicks working a 12 hr shift today and wont be home until after dinner. Hes been wonderful!! Doing stuff around the house, giving me lots of back rubs and taking off work for some of the appointments. Its so true one must have a good support system with being a gestational surrogate. Thanks Babe...

3 Days

Well we headed off to Fargo again this morning. This time Jackie came with me. She sat with the kids while I went in and saw the Dr, then we went to the park and Mall for some lunch a shopping.

mmmm The largest Dough Nut !!

Appointment~ I was at 8.4 last week and since they added in the other medication I jumped back up to 10!!! YEY perfect for a transfer. So this morning I started the Endometrin as well as the pills to stop ovulation and an antibiotic. As well as continue the patches and other medication. All these medications make me feel bloated crampy and nauseated. It will be nice when I can be off everything and just be pregnant =)


Sam had her retrieval and I am excited to announce that she has way more then we where originally looking at.. (2). We have 20!!!!

Now hopefully we have a good bunch that survive the fertilization and freezing for a later date (hopefully not needed unless Sam wants more then what we get with this one fresh cycle).

She is at home resting. Pop over to her blog to see her post today.

We go back on Thursday for the TRANSFER! Then 10 days later we see if their bun is growing in my oven.

Not as planned

Well things arnt going as planned. Sams follicles arnt maturing like expected and she has to be on meds a bit longer. Trigger Shot on Saturday and the harvesting on monday. Then the transfer will be Thursday sometime.

Well they called me this morning and from my last appointment to the one before it my lining has dropped from 10 something to 8.4
She said this usually doesn't happen and I need to come back in Monday to make sure its getting thicker.
Yep, pretty stressed right now.
Nick works mornings so now I have to either call my daycare lady and hope she has openings..
 (more money)
Hope my appointment is before Sams and she is able to sit with the kids. or my GF Jackie comes with me if shes in town and sits with the kids.
Talk about stressful.
Sam had her stressful day yesterday with having to wait longer running around town looking for her meds no one had. Thankfully the clinic had an emergency supply on hand.

Now I'm taking a vag. pill to thicken my lining with the patches.

Starting Monday I start the meds to shut off my ovaries an antibiotic due to it weakening my immune system and another vag. insert of hormones.

I keep preying this works the first time.

To Sam and Jack

Our friendship started differently,
 Than most friendships I've had.
 We had to search each other out,
 because of pain we both had.

A precious little bundle to fill your arms,
 Is what you were looking for.
 Your broken tummy took that away
A broken tummy that you had no say.

And so a search began for you,
 to find a helping heart.
 So similar to my own search,
 not knowing where to start.

For me, the search is special,
 See I too know that pain
 I was told of PCOS
 And the child that would never be
 A child that came 2 years later
And another that’s now 3

I wanted a couple to have a child for...
 the one with a broken tummy.
 The one I searched for

Now we've found each other,
 so real it seems to be.
 Through faith and hope and honesty,
 we're moving toward your dream.

But the dream we have,
 it is the same, a dream that's filled with firsts.
 First smiles, first laughs, first steps, first words.
 All starting with a birth.

Since I know this pain that you bare inside even.
 though I can't imagine, all that you've been through,
 I hope you know I'll do my best to bring a child to you.

Surrogacy is something not many can do.
 But I've been there and here I am,
 I'm drawn to helping you.

Some people call us Blessings,
angles in disguise.
 Im no angle Im just me
 I feel all normal inside.

Even tho our journey is just starting,
 and no one knows our end.
 I pray it brings to you a child,
 and brings to me a friend.
 I promise to never leave you,
 Don’t ever be afraid.
 Im here no matter how long this takes

Love,
Amanda Dahmes

OUCH

Went back to Fargo today for my saline sonogram to look for polyps and where to place the 2 embys. Everything went great! Blood work showed good numbers and my lining looks GREAT!

It did hurt tho =S
Sam was there and was amazing! At first when I was laying there she was all can I rub your head all jokingly like mommy like and giggling with the Dr and I, then all of a sudden they filled my uterus with the solution and let me tell you WAS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING! It was like a severe crap or a medium size contraction.

 Sam was right there. Once giggling into serious mommy face. Holding my arm and rubbing my head. As weird as it sounds I had a picture of what it would be like in delivery. Things I once thought about in wonder..

What would she be like??
What would I be like???
Would I accept it like with Nick??

All I can say was that it was 100% natural. Comforting.. Perfect.

Some people have asked me " Don't you feel like a rent a womb'?

In a way before today I did in a small way. I mean we have an amazing relationship. I feel like Ive known her for years. We talk about stuff I only talk about with  my Bestest of friends.Today
there was love and compassion above and beyond any contract. The way everything happened wouldn't of happened with a "rent a womb" I believe.  So to clear that question up "NO"!

Granted delivery is alot worse then just a saline sonogram but its the start. Start of a long road we will be traveling together that before today was all about the "when" it happens... its now the "ITS HAPPENING"!


The dr told us we are looking at this coming FRIDAY or MONDAY!!! 1 WEEK!!!!

Olivia told me today that she is going to feed sams baby french frys..

Cute

Sam goes in tomorrow for an ultrasound and from there we will find out the exact date for retrieval then 3 to 5 days after that will be the transfer.

Patches

I started my patches last Friday. I feel bloated having anxious spells and sore breasts. Other then that its been pretty good.

I go back to Fargo Friday for another US and testing. They are going to look for the perfect spot for the two precious embys.

The kids are going to daycare this time. Last trip we made Thomas kept asking to go home and was upset to be going again. All this driving the last 2 months have really been hard on the kids. Not so much in the beginning but weeks into it. They defiantly need a break from the car. I'm so proud of my 2. They have been so great with this big adjustment with traveling. Something they are not used to.

Olivia thinks the babies are in my tummy already and moved to my breasts.. So I have 2 baby's for boobies if that makes sense haha. The stuff kids come up with!

Happy Day

AF started last night after I got off the phone with the clinic. YEY
So I called them this morning and told them. They wanted to see me today for Blood work and a ultrasound. Everything looked great and I started my patches today. (2 patches on and replaced with 2 new every other day)
Then next Friday I go back to Fargo for another Ultrasound, blood work, and a saline Ultrasound to know where to place their 2 precious little embys.
We will also be starting more medications and continue the patches (I believe but will have to double check with the patches)
 Our transfer date got bumped back a few days so it will be the last week of the month as of now. Not sure on the day.

After my appointment we went to Mc Donald's with Sam and then hung out at her house for a hour while the kids played with her 4 dogs. The kids LOVED IT!

I'm so excited that this month is going to work for the transfer!!!

Its a new day

http://www.drugs.com/sfx/provera-side-effects.html

Theres the wonderful list of side effects from the medication I'm taking. Provera.

Bloating, peeing more, breast tenderness,  galactorrhea , feelings of sadness/anxiety, restless/cant sleep, weight loss, some hair loss, Breaking out (GERR), cramping.

For a few days in the beginning I kept telling Nick that I felt something was wrong. I felt out of sorts and then I noticed the galactorrhea. So I googles the side effects and it all fell into place. I guess I never thought of side effects since I didn't really have many taking medication to get pregnant with Thomas. But that was femara and this is provera. kinda the same. Does the same in the long run but wow the side effects are so much different.

I'm still waiting for AF. At this point I'm over the freaking out it needs to come, its more like letting go and letting God. Obviously I'm worried about being ready for the transfer but as far as my AF is concerned if it doesn't happen this month then God must not want it to. We can transfer next month if this cycle doesn't line up.

Not saying it doesnt suck but I cant worry about what I cant control.

On a happy Note it was my 25th Birthday yesterday. That's right I am a 4th of July baby!!! I love my birthday. Fireworks, food , family/friends,lake, bon fires whats not to love!
I had a good day with family and friends. Some left Earlie and that sucked but in all it was really good. Kids played in the swimming pool all day. We gave them their bath before we left to go watch the fire works and they passed out before we even made it out of town. Slept through the whole thing and all the way home. We put them to bed and that was that. I recorded the show on my phone so they could watch it today.

Ive noticed over the last 2 months my friends list is getting smaller and smaller (probably 10 plus friends). Some Ive done myself and and the rest people have deleted me. At first I was upset that some of these people felt that for what ever reason they didn't want to be friends and then I thought well ... I gotta except it. I'm not sure if it because of this surrogacy or the fact I speak my mind and post debatable articles on FB. All I know is that from what I can tell its about the time I came out with our news of matching. I need people in my life that support me and is there for me., Those who have deleted me must not care and Ive accepted that. Ive realized that time changes people. Some grow and become better more mature adults and others live in this little bubble of a life and don't want to move and grow up. its a hard fact of life I guess when you see that with people YOU care about. but you cant control anyone but yourself or help those who don't want to help themselves. I'm not saying it still doesn't hurt from the people I truely deeply cared about but its about acceptance.

The worst feeling I think is when you realize you care more about someone then they ever cared about you. The choices people make in life that you thought would include you and it doesn't ... cuts deep.

Today is a new day and I'm so thankful for the people in my life that are there and care. I have such a big heart and usually it gets broken. Ive been told I love to love.. and I guess its true. I try and love everyone for who they are and stand up for that. If thats wrong thats ok by me.

Its a Birthday

My son had his birthday party on sunday (hes 4)
And Sam came to party with us. I was afraid she would think my house/ family/ and friends where all overwhelming and hyper haha but she didnt think anything strange about it. haha! She said it was like her moms side of the family.
She got to meet my husband and my grandparents. Nicks parents my aunt sister and friends.
I was so happy she was here. We dug out all of my meds, sprawled them out on my bed and went through them all. it was nice sitting and talking about our next steps. My daughter adores Sam. Its sooo cute! Thomas thinks shes pretty "cool mom". Hes more active so pictures are hard to come by haha..

Thomas and his Friends

Hunter and Thomas... so cute

Olivia hanging out with her Great Grandparents and Auntie

Sam and Olivia

 Sam and I... Perfect!